What it is to be Valued in a Relationship
“Now it has been discovered that scientifically, love is when we feel we are taken care of.”
Establishing your own personal values will have a benefit on your relationships according to Clinical Psychologist Martina Perstling. “We mustn’t forget that the way we express ourselves is often also coupled with values. When we live a life that is based on values we are very careful to express ourselves according to our values. There is difference between a person who might be superficial and a person that is charming. There is also a difference between a person who is irresponsible and a person who is carefree. If you have good values, these will give you the basis to determine how you interact with your partner.”
99FM’s MYD Heart sat down with Martina Perstling, a Namibian Clinical Psychologist to talk about values in a relationship and what can be done if you feel you are not being valued in your relationship.
99FM’s MYD Heart asked:
How important are personal values in a relationship?
“Personal values have to do with emotional regulation and this comes from our childhood. If you are brought up in a house where certain values are dominant, those are then the values that you will live by when you are an adult. So values are basically a tool to regulate your emotions.”
How do you know if your partner values who you are?
“If you feel comfortable and taken care of. There is a study that says that we cannot prove what love is scientifically, however emotionally we know what love is because we feel it, we live it. Now it has been discovered that scientifically, love is when we feel we are taken care of.”
What are the signs to be aware of that your partner does not value you?
“Values in this sense are not the values you live by but the value you think your partner gives you. It is difficult to say whether it is justified to feel valued in your relationship because you might not feel valued even though your partner does actually value you. A simple example is that women often want more romance in their marriages and some men are just not able to give romance in the way a woman would want to receive it. They may have given romance in the beginning of the relationship but then this stops but we mustn’t forget that they take care of their wives and their families in maybe more practical ways. The wife may want candle light dinners to feel valued but the husband shows he does value her but in a different way to the way she may want to receive the feeling of being valued. But this does not mean that the husband doesn’t value his wife and if in this case, she doesn’t feel valued it is because she can’t see it.”
Can values be developed in your relationship?
“What is important with values is that we can cultivate values in a marriage, relationship or even in a family. We can make a conscious decision to choose the values we want in our relationships. For example if you want honesty as a value in your family, you can sit down and choose it as a value but then it is important that you everyone in the family live this value with one another. If a person doesn’t have values, that does not meant that person can’t learn values.”
You can get in touch with Martina Perstling at her private psychology practise on 061-247773 or email@example.com