Deep connection nurtures relationships But how do you maintain your independence within the realms of a healthy connected relationship? This is what 99FM’s Heart asked Namibian Clinical Psychologist and regular MYD contributor, Heidi Burmeister Nel.
“It may seem like independence and connection are opposing forces, yet the one strongly contributes and influences to the other. We need enough connection to enhance a healthy bond between us, and we need enough independence for stimulation and personal growth.”
99FM’s MYD Heart asked:
How do you maintain independence as well as keep connection strong, in romantic relationships?
“Both connection and a sense of self, or independence, are very important in a relationship. Keeping the balance between them may remain a challenge throughout your relationship as the need for connection and independence may be different between partners. For example, I may need more connection while my partner may need more time to explore certain independent ventures. As a relationship matures, those needs may change.
“It may seem like independence and connection are opposing forces, yet the one strongly contributes and influences to the other. We need enough connection to enhance a healthy bond between us, and we need enough independence for stimulation and personal growth.”
“We all have a deep inherit need to connect, for someone to understand how we feel and why we feel the way that we do. We have a need for a place where we feel safe and to be vulnerable.”
How important is connection to keeping relationships strong?
“We all have a deep inherit need to connect, for someone to understand how we feel and why we feel the way that we do. We have a need for a place where we feel safe and to be vulnerable. We want to be heard and to be able to be ourselves in this space between. Connection is a place or space of true encounter with my partner where both partners can, at that time or in that moment, see the world from the viewpoint of the other. This deep connection is the opposite of reactiveness, defensiveness, blame and complete withdrawal or stonewalling.”
“We constantly need to make a U-turn back into connection and therefor taking stock of our level of connectedness is crucial. While disconnection is inevitable, reconnection is intentional.”
Where is the line between independence and dependence in relationships?
“It is not a one size fits all recipe. It is largely about discovering the line and balance between the connected togetherness and separateness in your relationship. Even using the word ‘balance’ here can create a misperception as it implies finding a perfect middle ground or a perfect compromise. Even if we ‘find’ that common ground today, it may need to be renegotiated tomorrow. This ‘common ground’ is found through connection; a real sense of listening and validation for each other.”
“Every relationship needs an element of both togetherness and separateness.”
“With togetherness and separateness, it is important to understand that every relationship needs an element of both togetherness and separateness. Partners need to do things on their own for personal fulfilment, this also creates some mutual longing for the other. A couple also needs togetherness for fulfilment, which will also create some need for separateness after some time.”
“It is also worth mentioning that there is a difference between dependence and connection. While dependence is a lot about how I need you in some way, connection is the experience of encountering each other and being attuned to each other. While it is not wrong to need each other at times, it unfortunately is not helpful if I expect my partner to fulfil all or most of my needs. Our needs are often our own or socially constructed ideas of what my partner ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do or be for me. Those expectations can create tremendous disappointments and often are not fair or realistic.”
How can you tell if your boundaries, regarding independence, are adequate?
“It is important to understand what the driving force behind the need for independence is. Do you want to get away from your partner because he/she is smothering you? Is the absence of warmth, appreciation, consideration etcetera making me turn away from my partner towards people or activities where I experience aliveness and care? Do I demand my independence in a way to have my own selfish motives met?”
“Usually the quality of our connection, the empathic understanding about my own and my partner’s internal world, and the ability to effectively communicate this, helps us to establish these boundaries. You will most likely know if your personal boundaries and need for independence is ‘adequate’ if both partners communicate a sense of fulfilment, without compromising the ‘us’ experience.”
“A great book to read on boundaries in different relationships is that of Townsend and Cloud called Boundaries. Boundaries keep partners accountable and serves as a reminder of our commitment to each other. Boundaries, both personal and relational, reminds us that there is consequences to actions and this keeps partners accountable. It aims at serving as a reminder of our commitment to each other.”
“Being close in proximity is no guarantee of connection. Connection is experienced in the ‘energy’ or encounter between two people. We can be in the same room, feeling very close and connected, or feeling incredibly alone and disconnected. Connection is an experience that is constantly changing.”
How can you tell if your connection is strong enough, or if you need to do more work to connect?
“It is very seldom that we find two people in a relationship that are happy with the same level of connection and independence. Most relationships either ‘want more connection’, or ‘need more separateness’. The answer lies somewhere in the space between two people. Being close in proximity is no guarantee of connection. Connection is experienced in the ‘energy’ or encounter between two people. We can be in the same room, feeling very close and connected, or feeling incredibly alone and disconnected. Connection is an experience that is constantly changing. All relationships constantly ‘lose’ connection and constantly need to work at regaining it. We constantly need to make a U-turn back into connection and therefor taking stock of our level of connectedness is crucial. While disconnection is inevitable, reconnection is intentional.”